Category: Podcasts

The room was dark, lit only by a candle, which threw dancing light across the couple.  Locked in an embrace, it was hard to see where one ended and the other began.  Their breath intermingled as they clung to one another, hearts thudding.

“Oh, Michael!” Emily cried out.  She could barely force his name out, her gasps were coming so fast and heavy.  A moment passed.  She swallowed.  Her mouth opened again; her breath slowed.  “Oh, my God!” 

“Emily.”  Her name was a benediction on his tongue, reverence sloughing off in a sigh. 

His arms were wrapped all the way around her; her arms surrounded his neck, holding them tightly together.  Her face was wet, and tears streamed slowly down her cheeks.

After a sweet moment, Michael pulled gently back, softly grasped her chin, and, looking into Emily’s wide eyes, asked, “Are you okay?”

She nodded, eyes closing, and leaned her forehead against his.

What exactly is going on here?

What do you think Michael and Emily have been up to?  Or down to?

Well, it’s not what you think, and yet…it is.

This is an intimate moment for sure.  There has been a heart-pounding climax.  It wasn’t a sexual climax, though, although it might lead to one.

This couple has just shared a crymax, also known as a good cry.  They have learned to use this type of intimate event to deepen their relationship bond.

Sounds pretty fabulous, right? 

You can learn to do this, too.

If you are able to share your deepest thoughts, your hopes, and your fears with a spouse or trusted other, you feel a bond with that person.  You feel relieved and safe.  You feel a sense of well-being.  Time falls away; there are no other demands; you are caught up in the moment.

If the tears are well-received, this experience creates or deepens bonding.

Has that ever happened to you? 

Would you like it to? 

How have you, Dear Reader, dealt with your own tears?  What feedback have you gotten from your partner, your parents, your siblings, your community, or even society, about showing your emotions?

Do you love someone who cries?  Are you uncomfortable with that behavior, with those tears?  Do you want to understand this behavior and deepen your relationship?

In my new book, Hurts So Good: An Orgasm of Tears, I explore in detail the parallels between a crymax and an orgasm.  I explore those parallels with you so that you and your partner can understand and enjoy the bonding that a ‘good cry’ affords.  I will also explore the nature and purpose of emotional tears, how you, the reader, might better understand them, and, most important, how you can harness their power to enrich your human relationships.

Just like women obtaining the right to own property, the right to vote, and the right to run for office, women should have the right to shed emotional tears and to reap the benefits thereof without being devalued, ridiculed, excoriated, criticized, or looked down upon for being weak, irrational, or hysterical. 

By the way, the word “hysterical” means a person who has a uterus.  When women run for office, go up in space, ride a horse, win an Olympic medal, score a lucrative business contract, they do it all hysterically.  Isn’t that hysterical?  Perhaps the male counterpoint is when someone acts like a dick or a prick.  The Urban Dictionary explains that this is “worse than a douche and a jerk combined.” 

Why are there such fears, stigma, distaste, and discomfort associated with a simple physiological function? 

Are emotional tears merely physiological?

How do emotional tears differ from other types of tears?

What affect do they have on others? 

How do they help couples bond deeply? 

Is that physiological and emotional experience similar to orgasm? 

If so, is it appropriate to shed emotional tears in public?

These are all questions which underly the mystery of tears, which some have called one of the most baffling of human behaviors.  My own personal experiences with, and observations of, societal blowback and criticism of tears has made me thoughtful on this subject for years.  They have convinced me of the physiological parallels that emotional tears have with orgasm, in arousal, tumescence, climax, and bonding.  As a woman, a psychotherapist, and an attorney, I set out to find and elucidate these parallels to do the following: